The Peristaltic Testator

A couple of years ago, I saw this cartoon. It changed my life.



I never realized that the original song the artist was playing with was so damned stupid. The lyrics of that Dean Martin tune simply didn't align with the theme. (Which admittedly might have been the point, but whatevs.)

Since then, I've been expanding the more literal repertoire. Just to get this crap out of my head (which will simply allow me to concoct more), let me dump them here.

The first follows the comic's simple formula.

When an eel in the reef
Bites your butt with its teeth

That's a Moray…

My next was going to be the singular of "mores," but that turned out to be "mos", because Latin, of course it was.

Moving on beyond a simple substitution to novel constructions with an approximate pronunciation.

Say the "love" word down South
With a Northerly mouth?

That's amor, eh?

Again…

When the Stooge pictured first
Fires a long laser burst

That's a Moe ray…



I've got about three more ideas, but reducing the concept to a couplet proves difficult.

So, if someone has a brainchild, was that the result of a mindfuck?

This would make a great sci-fi inspiration. Just sayin'.

h/t conuly.

I'm not complaining, not at all. This, though, is fascinating:

Although the Oxford English Dictionary offers no etymology for the word “Honeymoon”....

The term most likely comes from an old English tradition that dates from the Middle Ages. Mead was drunk in great quantities at weddings, and after the ceremony nuptial couples were given a month’s supply of mead—sufficient for one full cycle of the moon. It was believed that by faithfully drinking mead for that first month, the woman would “bear fruit” and a child would be born within the year. Incidentally, raw honey has been shown in clinical studies to be a powerful fertility booster.

Mead! Mead! Mead!

One of the siblings gathered at Mom's yesterday brought up a fascinating factoid: According to Sherwood Schwartz, the creator of the show, the template for the characters on Gilligans' Island were the Seven Deadly Sins. For reals:

Years after the show ended, its creator, Sherwood Schwartz, admitted that each of the characters represented one of the seven deadly sins.

Trouble is, the 2008 interview listed Gilligan as the avatar of Sloth. Watch the show, and you see that, despite the occasional smacks to the head with his skipper's hat, Jonas Grumby (aka the Skipper; his name was only revealed in the pilot) got far more work out of his little buddy than Mrs. Howell ever put in. Further, when it came to gluttony, nobody could beat skinny Gilligan. And more than once, Gilligan's envy over whatever put the cast in a pickle. He could also out-pride the prof, though he always did it in an adorable manner.

Based on that, others have suggested a looser, alternate role call. The Cast of Defects, (in reverse order of the song* that lists them):

Mary Ann = Envy (she had to compete with Ginger)
The Professor = Pride
The Movie Star = Lust
His Wife = Sloth
The Millionaire = Greed
The Skipper = Wrath, Gluttony

This makes a bit more sense, since Lovey did absolutely nothing to lift a finger toward making meals, gathering food or firewood, or helping with one of Samuel Hinkley's technical innovations. (Yes, the Professor's name was also only mentioned on the pilot.) And though one never did see him eat a gazillion of Mary Ann's coconut cream pies as Gilligan did, something had explain the Skippers' girth.

Which makes Gilligan himself ... the Devil. He was clad in red. And to embody the foibles of the others would make also perfect sense.

Which meant, as the title of the show implies, that the island was Hell. Which goes a long way to explaining why they couldn't seem to ever leave. This would also explain why what Gilligan himself did would eventually be the cause of their failure to leave: though it resembled a bumbling screw-up of a born goof, the act—including, let us never forget, the wrecking of the Minnow—these were acts of a vengeful entity bent on inflicting torture and suffering.


Hell? Well, it was warm.


*In an interview with both Bob Denver and Dawn Wells, the interviewer asked Ms. Wells about the theme song for the first few seasons where she and the Professor were listed simply as a dismissive "and the rest." After she answered, Mr. Denver noted that the theme song was changed because of him.

As he explained, he went up to Mr. Schwartz and said that listing two major characters as just the rest was stupid, and that the song should be changed. Schwartz refused; money and all that. So Denver threatened to invoke his contract. Since he was the title character, and since he had the celebrity ju-ju none of the others had (thanks to his former hit role as Dobie Gillis), his contract said he could demand the producers list him anywhere in the song that he wanted, so he wanted to be sang last, which would be stupid. Schwartz relented.

The funny part for me is simple. Dawn Wells, sitting, again, right next to him, was looking at him the whole time surprised. She had no idea this had happened, since during the show and its short-lived sequels he never told anyone. When she mentioned that, he just shrugged and smiled.

Maybe that's why she sent him the ganja. Hey, she was, apparently, most herb-friendly herself.

( Somewhat Not Safe For Work )

The above video is a how-to guide to using a grapefruit to get a male partner off sexually, made by someone named Angel. It is of mediocre quality, except for one bizarre choice of sound effect. I'm sorry, but that belongs in a monster movie. Putting it here? That is incongruous enough to be freakin' hilarious.

Enjoy.

Ever wonder what would happen if you took a picture of every sex toy sold in the world's most popular online sex toy sales outlet and made a spiral?



Head to the article about analyzing sales and products. Fascinating way to spend a Sunday.

Addendum: Later that moment: How could I not add this little image?

Behold the Daunting Dozen—Lovehoney’s twelve biggest toys. Only 1 in 600 customers buys one of toys above and it’s 6.5 times more likely that person will be a man than a woman. It’s hard to say for sure how the buyers of these toys break down demographically, because there aren’t many of them, but a sample of thirty sales showed that three-quarters were bought by straight guys. Correction: straight, ambitious guys.

Er, bottoms up? *Shudders*

Some stories just write their own by-lines. Here's a perfect example. This dude, er, got off from charges of "fifth-degree criminal sexual conduct and fifth-degree attempted criminal sexual conduct" for . . . wait for it . . . ejaculating into a co-worker's coffee.

It gets better! The judge had to throw out the complaint . . . why? Because there was no law against what he did.

He could have been charged with criminal sexual conduct if he had ejaculated on her directly. But not for ejaculating on her desk — or into the coffee that she later, unknowingly, drank. And so the New Brighton City Attorney had to resort to a lesser charge.

And the Minnesota lawmakers are still debating whether it should be illegal.

Under the bill -- debated in late March but sent back to committee -- placing bodily fluids in a substance intended for human consumption would be a misdemeanor.

It would become a felony if someone ingests it without knowledge of the adulteration, with escalating penalties if it's done for sexual gratification or if the victim is a child.

(Didja notice the emboldened WTF?)

And I'll just close with a sentence too perfect for mere jokes.

In some ways the creepiest part of the whole story is that Lind, the awkward ejaculator, says he did it not to harass Maahs, but because he was attracted to her, and evidently this was the best way he could think of to express his interest.

I won't bore anyone with a very late recap of the "nude" photo hack that bore the moniker "The Fappening." I will, however, publicly question the furor that arose because of it.

I do agree that the hack was a crime; at the same time, really, everyone should have realized that the only "promise" of cloud storage was that it would turn ugly in exactly the way this panned out. Stuff off of the local memory of your device, whatever that device may be, is a disaster of personal proportions just waiting to, er, fappen. Those hackers could have done everyone a favor by revealing how damned easy it is to figure out the answers to any "personal" security question when the target happens to be a celebrity, one who has given any number of interviews over the years answering exactly the kind of questions Apple thinks are oh, so unguessable.

Here, though, things just get silly:

But what’s far worse is that I think we can safely assume that some aren’t just ‘looking’ at these private, nude photographs - they’re masturbating to them.

It’s a truly horrible thought. . . .

It's a what?!?

A bit of clarification. This may not be apparent to someone who admits in her article that she is just 24 years old, but it is a sad, sad truth for me more than twice that age and, applicable for this discussion, also male. Here's the truth in a quick, throw-away phrase:

Men Masturbate to EVERYTHING.

Yes, the phrase "‘The Fappening’ with it’s clear sexual connotations, [is] making out women to be objects, rather than victims," just as you say. But let's remember that the victim aspect of this is the silly fact that these women bought Apple product and lost private content to Apple's shitty "security" protocols.

But back to my emboldened phrase above. Everything—be it animal, vegetable or mineral, be it socially acceptable or no—can become a mental object of a stimulative nature to just about any man with an urge for serious strokage.

To react with feigned horror at the thought that there are creepos in the bushes spanking it while people gather in the park and crochet is just naive at best, silly naive at worst. Personally, I would rather someone shake hands with the unemployed while the semi-nude images of The Hunger Games star dance across his computer than grip and grin to thoughts of what blood and guts damage that crossbow of hers could do in the movie itself.

I have never heard that term, though I have no doubt it must exist. Too many 'Softies get off my bus in Micro-land swinging dicks for their to be equity in the programming game.

Thankfully, tacit has banged out a righteous screed bemoaning those that regard programming as sufficiently male so as to warrant so eye-roll-worthy a label as that in the subject line above.

Enjoy.